Early golf, interrups rodent romp!

Good weekend all! Am having a good one myself, sort of a golf sandwitch, played friday afternoon, and then 8:15 this morning. Better then the double dipp, a day inbetween to nap is nice! Played well on friday, so had high hopes for today, and while I played fairly well, that has to take a back seat to the wildlife story.

This first shot is of the first tee at Burnaby Central pich-n-putt, with the sun just breaking through the mist and gloom! The next one is of hole #10, notice the super tall, straight trunked, trees? well some old timer,(well I guess thats realitive, I'll call him a comtemporary,) that I was paired up with, was telling me that in the way back time, those trees were planted for sailing ship masts, and they built the golf course around what was left over. Now this third shot is of a too brave little squirrle, who was poising on our way out,(I played with Donnie today,) about 5 ft. away, standing up, begging, untill I set down everything and dug out my camera, then he splt, maybe the half blind bunny warned him or something. Donnie said he fed him a part doughnut before the round, so he must have been coming back for the rest. O.k. on to the good stuff, on the 11th tee box, Donnie looks up at a stump in the bush right behind us and said,"look at them squirrles going at it!" Now I thought he ment fighting, or somthing. But no, they were really going at it! Bamp, bamp, ba bawwoowh, shicka, shicka!(my interpertation of classic 70's porn sound track, read it agian, it'll make more sense this time!) I have never seen anything like this before!(and I grew up on a farm,) within about 3 min. they changed positions, like, 4 or 5 times,(and I swear he gave her a little smack on the tail one time!) I kept thinking I should grab my camera, but they surely would bolt, any time now. Fianally, they tore off,(I think maybe she was shy, but him, not so much,) and it may have been the sun, but it looked like he gave me a little furry finger, on his way out. Now to me the best part, was the whole time, about 10ft. away, two crows were watching them consumate thier love. So here we stand, watching birds, watching rodants, not wanting to be watched! I think this through my game off a little. Another cool thing about Burnaby Central, is on sunday mornings, the radio controlled model boat club comes down and takes over the local duck pond, I barley missed a shot of a little duck, just booting it between these two tug boats! some days there are lots of cooler boats here, but these are nice too.(don't want to piss off the little boat people, I spend too much time near water hazzards, they're tiny, they could be lurking anywhere!) For any of you wondering about my underware dilemma, I tried a belt these last two times, and it really did help,(after I tightend it another notch, I think I did lose a bit of mass!) but it did bring up another issuse,(all ways happens, right?, when ever you find a good solution, it usally causes some other problem,) one of my habbits is to grab my pouch,(hip sack, man purse, whatever!) and right before I swing, I quickly twist it 90 degrees to the left, this clears it out of the way of my hip rotation, and help not unbalance me. So the new trick is to grab my belt instead of my hip sack, and give that a quick, left hand twist!(go ahead and try it for your self, grab the top of your pants and twist(quickly!)90 degrees to the left, about half way through your body starts to twist too, its physics dont you know?) My freinds seam to think this is funny, so go ahead, you can laugh at me too!

Time for the bachelor tips of the week, this is more of a philosophy, with some exampels thrown in. Remember the crazy punk daze of the 70's/early 80's, one of the best things to come out of all that, was a sence of "do it yourself"(it took me years to figger out what the "DIY" tee-shirts meant, I thought it was the kool new way to spell DIE!) I recently saved several hundred $ by doing my own muffler repairs on the Landcrusier, I bought a few dollars worth of extention parts and clamps from Canadian Tire,(hey guys, your welcome for the shout out, maybe next time I'm stupid enough to grace your understaffed wonderland, you could maybe not make me wait for 20 min. in three differnt lines, before you tell me my return's too old, so I have to pay the $1.89 for the correct clamp anyways!) and like a giant erector set, I rigged it all together. It is amazing what you can do with a couple chunks of 2x4, and a good hammer. The top piece is so tight, I did not bother clamping it.(yes the 20min. clamp.) While it was apart, I painted the pieces, notice how I smartly,(lazy ly)painted them the same(almost)colour of the very greasy engine. The only problem I've had with this DIY repair is, it's too quite, I got used to it growling like a hungry bear, now it purrs like a kitten.(or maybe a squirrle in love! some thing cute and or fulffy anyways.)

O.k. This next ones not going to be for every one,(not like washing socks in peanut butter jars, or sucking toothpaste,) this is one of my teeth, its been bugging me for, oh, a while now...about three years ago, back when I was un-bacherlored(?) and she had a overpaid, goverment type job, and we had real good dental/medical, my tooth started to get a little loose, but I had other things to worry about.(obviously I didn't worry enough, as now I'm single!) Fast foward about a year, now she's left, and taken the dental care with her, I'm not mental about the dental to begin with, so when I found out it would cost me about $100 out of my pocket to get it pulled, I thought better of it. Fast foward another year, the tooth has not gotten any better on its own, go figger. So now I decide to let it fall out on its own, kind of let nature take it's course. Fast foward another year, still not fallen out yet, starting to bug me more and more, miss green apples, and corn on the cob! Fast forward to this friday, tooth buggin' me all day, so I went golfing, no good, golfed well, but tooth did not tighten it self up, what the hell, I gave it like 3 years, and still its not fixing itself! Enough! I decided to borrow a scene from Tom Hanks in Castaway, and preform,(freeform)DIY dentistery. Unlike Tom, I did not feel the need to bash myself in the face with a skate,(although it would have been very Canadian of me,) nor did I have a bloodied, talking vollyball,(I bet I would have helped,) what I do have is a resoureful mom. When my brother and I were little boys, the dentist was a long distance trip, one they were not going to make every time one of our baby teeth were coming out, so my mom DIYed. What she would do is tie a string to the loose tooth, and the other end to a door knob, or some times a heavy winter boot, then to distract us, she would tell us a story. Some time during the story,(and she was a great story teller, probably still is, I've not had 12 yrs. to sit around and listen to her for about 30 yrs. now,) she would slam the door shut, or knock the boot off the table, and the tooth would just "pop" out!(crafty, except one time, during the story, my brother, used his tongue to remove the string, so when the boot fell, the tooth stayed, and we got double story! he's crafty too!) So, here I am, friday night, looking at my doors, all of them are hollow, and I had this image of the door breaking, and me, with a knob hanging from a string, attached to a half ganked(giant yank, gank)out tooth, hanging from its last super gripped on root! So the doors were out.(except the big steal front door, and I ruled it out because, if I pass out and fall, all there is below me is steal steps and concrete. On to plan two, I think my tooth was too tough for a boot off the table, so I filled up two Gatorade jugs, and put them into a cooler, then went to get a micky of whiskey, I figgerd by the time I was half done,...well you get the idea. So a couple hours later, and my tooths not bugging me any more,(so why fix it?)I then thought maybe the cooler would not be heavy enough, humm, half bottle later, and I think I should redo my complex math! so I fill tw0 more Gatorade jugs, put them in the cooler, tie a waxy yellow cord around the cooler, put down some couch cushions so I don't break my favorite cooler, set the cooler on the edge of my table,(about 6 or 7ft. away) grabbed my first extra long putter, tried the other end, of the cord, onto my offending tooth, and slowly started to nudge the cooler off the table...watching t.v., trying to be "surprized" like mom use to do it. Thinking to myself, I wish I had wilson here to help me, "WILSON!", ha ha, that funn..WHAM! there it goes! and I mean gone! the cooler wobbled off the table edge, and like it was catapulted, the tooth tore out of there!(took a chunk of lip with it, just for spite.) First thought,"wow, it worked", second thought, "of course it did, you moron, you got like 15lbs. falling 4 feet, with 3 feet of slack! lucky only one came out!" So I follow the yellow cord, and up agianst the wall, about 15 feet away from where I was, I find the tooth. I'm going to keep it with my other lost tooth, just in case you get my skull ice bucket, there won't be any annoying gaps. About 10 min. latter, after the bleeding stopped, and I'm pretty proud of myself, saved $100, no waiting room, no nothing,...then I start to get the cold sweats, and it all gets a little grey, so I strip down,(don't look, don't even think it,)to my boxers, and crank the fan on high for about 10 min. till I feel well enough to go to bed. Saturday morning my mouth felt better then in a long time. Lesson learned, when in doubt, gank that sucker out! I'm going out for apples! have a great week, DufferKev.

Double Dipped

Well hello agian, ooppps, seems like I'm almost a week late!(or could be"weak, late?") I did the pevervial double dipp, and golfed twice last weekend! as a result, been dragg'n my ass all week. But no matter because the weekends here agian!

My first golf came on saturday, at Meridian Par 3, for those of you paying attention, yes this is the course I got my second hole-in-one at, on that cool, wintery day, long past. This day I was playing with my buds Chris, and Robbie, and it was not a cool winters day, it was a hot summers afternoon. Long, dark, shadows, mixed with sauna like tempertures, with just a touch of sweat stung eye's, thrown in for good measure! This is a picture of hole #1,(the flag is in the center, on the top of that hill, on a sort of flattish spot, surrounded on three sides by doom!) It's kind of hard to tell by this shot, but the hole drops from the tee box, at leased 50 feet, down to a creek,(witch runs through the entire course, and is felt on almost every hole!)then rises to a plateau between 70-80 feet up! This is a 165ish yard, par three, if you hit it short, it runs into the creek, and your doomed, hit is too far, and the deep scary woods await, hit it right, and it into the fence/trees, or onto the 8th green, to the left is...well I'm not sure, but I think thats where BigFoots been hiding all these years! Even if you hit the postage stamp sized green, your troubles just begun. This is a hilly course, built on a old nut orchard,(I can't remember the nut!) with multi-tierd, fast running greens, so if the putts too fast, good chance you'll be chipping back onto the green for the next shot! My game was off and on,(then off agian!)but I had a great day, lots of fun, and really good putting practice.(O.K., I lost the game, came in dead last, third place sounds better though.) But the important part is, I won the poker game after! What we do is, everyone throws in a twonnie or fin,($2 or $5, for the un-Canadian readers,) and play poker at the end of the game, you get 1 card for every par, and 2 cards for every birdie.(if you happen to get more then 5 cards, boy are you playing in the wrong group! no, but you have to discard to the maximum of 5 cards.) So, any way, I win with a pair of nines, and I won $6! Six bucks, wooohoo!(it cost $13 to play,) still six bucks I would not have had,(and $2.50 for the Gateraid,), uhmmmm,(and probbly $4.50 in diesel to get your fat ass out there in the weasle-moblie...)Shut up you! stupid brain, takes all the fun out of it! On to game two, sunday afternoon I get a call from another friend, He wants to play Rupert park, a city owned, short, hilly, swampy, par 3.(and His home course!) I explained I was poor,(couldn't understand how, I'd just won like 6 bucks, don't ya know?)He was so keen to kick my golfing ass, that He even loaned me the greens fee, and I had the best game of the year! I whooped him,(not that it matters at all, I play agianst myself, and with my freinds, but it did feel real good, especially after saturday,) It was like the hole was bigger or something, I was making putts from every where, and even chipped in(out of the mud,) for a birddie, on hole#17. I shot +2 on the back nine,(with a 6 on a hole!) I wish I could save some of the lucky bounces for a latter game, because great days like that are(too)few and far between!

I've had a strange problem for a few years now, I like to ware boxers when I golf, and almost always a pair of shorts. Now the problem occurs when my shorts slide down, and of course I grab hold and reef them up, but the boxers come up aswell! No biggie, next hole, shorts slide down, pull shorts up, up come boxers! hummm! gettin a little tight down there! Next hole, shorts slide down, boxers still tight, pull shorts up, some things getting strangled south of the equator! At this point, I got this 40yr. old Marky Mark wanna be look going!(you remember the Klien ads, before He pulled up his dignity, and became the respected actor, Mark Wahlberg.) next hole, shorts slide down, pull shorts up,...and then it happens, the ManToe,(commonly referred to as the Moose Knuckle,) binding(blinding)pain! so bend your knees for the next shot, don't forget to extend, and fully rotate!(and yank on that ever tightning noose!) Hopefully by now, I'll be some where close to porta can, or bushes, or at leased alone! This dosen't always happen, usally only when I'm golfing with complete strangers,(and thats probally what thier thinking too,"guy's a complete stranger, and he can't keep his hands out of his pants!") what a wonderful first/last impression. Seams to be happening more often, shorts might be getting losesser or something.(maybe the bachelor diet plan is starting to work?) This is why I love army shorts, lots of draw strings/straps, to keep things where they should be!

Time for the Bachelor tips for the week, tip#1, this tip goes nicely with the dead skin lamp tip from last blog. After you've divied up all your tattoos, a good next step is to have your bones, boiled, bleached, and varnished.(you could be the skeleton in your own closest!) Get a taxidermist to mount your bones in cool possess, like your fore arm/hand could be mounted to the wall, holding a bulb/shade combo, for a niffty lamp! Or seal up the skull holes, hinge the top, and you got a very goth ice bucket! Stick the feet to the wall as a shoe tree! O.K., last one, keep the whole skeleton, and get a really big globe, paint the globe black and red, then pose like an apocalyptic Atlas,(greek god of holding world on sholders,) I would display in the front foyer, to greet your guests in style!

Tip#2, this tip is for the true bachelors out there, if you want to shave your head by your self, its real easy, if you want to shave a mo-hawk by your self, its real hard. Even with a hand held mirror, and a wall mirror, its tricky.(as you move the clippers right, they look like they move left, and by the time you've got it figgered out, you'll likely have taken out a chunk you wanted to save, then you have to make it narrower to keep it even, and trying to reach over to the left side of your head, with your right hand, then cut straight, uhg!) So the trick is, get some painters tape,(it dose not"grip"as hard as duct tape,)and mask your head. I do one side at a time, comb all the hair you want to keep to one side, slide the tape along your head till you get to where you don't want to cut, and tack it down.(you will have to tape onto your nose, and neck.) If your hair(the part to be shaved,)is too long for the tape to stick well, be sure to hold it down, or you will go crooked!(and have to get narrower to keep it even.) Lastly, just run the clippers along the tape,( keeping a small part on the tape,)and you should have a pretty straight line. Start off trying for a wide hawk, and if you screw it up, just keep making it narrower.(and narrower, untill you have a shaved head, then wait a month, and try agian!)

Thats it for today, hope to golf agian soon,(duh,)but the Britsh Open golf tourniment is on t.v. this weekend, and it starts at 4am every day, so may just veggie out.(plus the pin(hole)placement gets harder every time there is a major tourniment on t.v., why would they do that to me? just because better golfs on t.v. dosen't mean I get better, but every pich-n-putt out there, will have there pins tucked into the corners, the green a little faster, the rough grown a little longer, and phyco greens keepers huddled around steaming cauldrons, sacraficing small rodants, with backwards lipped incantations designed to befuddle the happless duffer, I ask you, my freinds, what more can we take?...I mean, BRING IT ON! Plant a flag on the side of a mountain, and I'll want to play it.) Have a great weekend! Latter, DufferKev.

Fireworks Safety 101

Hello out there, Happy 4th o july, I know its only been like three days since my last blog, but I wanted to help out my southern brothern,(and sistern,...although sistern sounds like a plumming term, like "go snake the crap from the clogged sistern!" now that sounds dirty and sexist, see how I save time by offending twice as many of you at once!) This blog will deal with the serious issue of fireworks/cracker safty. As many of you know, bad things can happen to good people, so I'll just take a few minutes to cover the basics.

#1)Now I know in lots of ways our two days are a like, and like us, you'll most likely have a few brews, don't get me wrong, this is a good thing, especially in these hard economic times, soak it up while you can! The main differents between us is that we don't get twice as much explosives as beer,(what is there some kind of deal, buy a two fore, get quarter stick of dynomite one third off!) so when we get sloppy drunk, well you get the picture. I mean, any one who knows me, knows I'd chew through this screen for a long necked, cold filter, frosty Duff, hey! back off Home boy, those are my Duffs! sorry, but I got up at 5am for a 6:30am tee time, that Jay the slacker slept through! its o.k., because Donnie and I got lots of time to stand around and talk,(although we should have maybe been practicing!) and he did eventually show up, so I've had a long morning already, and sure could use a cold one about now! So the point I was trying to make was, get drunk, be careful, keep all your fingers!

#2 If you insist on drinking way too much, switch to sparklers! they can be fun too, when you get all bleary eyed, you can write your name in the sky,(if its dark, and you can still spell it!) or put three or four in your freinds hair, as long as they keep moving, the sparks should miss them! See how much fun Ralph is having with his sparkler! So in conclution, drink like Homer, play like Ralph, keep your fingers!

#3 Do not let your kids put lit firecrackers in your mouth,(or in any part of you for that matter!) o.k.? class, this would be bad, self explainitory! Sum up, mouth boom bad!

My thanks to Homer and Ralph, for thier help in this lesson, see, learning can be fun!

I would like at this time to welcome Lilly, as a follower, you get a free Jiffysock 2000,(check your pantry.) I read one of your blogs, any newer then 06?, Wow, you are good, this may sound wierd, but what are you doing reading my fluff? I mean thank you and welome to the clan! Do you golf?

Time for the bachelor tips for the day!

tip1) This first tip is all about food association, like when your still boozen, but hungery, but its too early and you don't/can't want breakfest, what you going to do? Food associate! For example, eggs, sizzled, fried, greasy, gooey, yuck! but how about pickled? ummm, now we're talken! or sausage, same unappealing above mentioned mess, so a fat pepperoni stick or two, and now what about the toast? Well, toast is bread, bread is wheat, and or barley, beer is wheat, and barley, ssoooo, instead of eggs, sausage, and toast, have pickled eggs, pepperoni sticks, and beers! This would be an excellent tommorow mornning pick me up for many of you cracker heads down there.(and by craker heads I mean fire crackers, not the strange religious group, or are they quakers, quackers, quaker want a quacker? whoops I've done it agian, sorry to offend and quakers out there, I like your oats!(well it worked on the peta-philes didn't it?))

tip2) This tip is better for after you are gone, if like me, you dont have much of an estate to divvy up when your dead, will your tattoos/piercings to your friends and loved ones. O.k., this is not entirerly an origanal idea, when I was young, I was watching the Texas chain saw massacer,(the original, not the no-class splatter fest remake, I mean why they gotta go and do that, make a classic stupid, just for a new batch of desensitized, gore freaks?)and in the family home,(they may have been psycho, but they were a close family,)there were lamps made from human skin. Now this go me thinking, and this was way before I had any tattoos, could a lamp be made for real out of skin? Because that would be cool, with the light shinning out through from behind, projecting your art onto the nearest wall. So instead of saving for your death, so your kids can buy stupid things with your hard earned money, get some body art, it's the only investvent you can't lose!(Mom, when you out live me, how would you like a BEER lamp? it would look lovely in the den!)

In closing, I would ask, the neibours just to the south, could you please keep it down a little tonight/tomorrow morning? some of us are still trying to sleep off our two Johnnie's day hangovers! thanks, latter DufferKev.

Tale of two Johns

Happy Canada day everybody! Hope your having a great one, mine started early with a 6:30am tee time, the early duffer gets the birdie! And I did, I'm accually quite happy with my putter, it has always been the one club to let me down,(well not this one, but putters in general,) this is sad because, even with the rest of my game on, three putting every hole gets old real quick! But my new(this year)putter is much better, sure it took a little practice to get the feel, but for the first time in my life, I feel like a six foot putt is not out of my comfort zone.(it use to be a six inch comfort zone!) My new putter is about five feet tall, so I can stand up, and find it easier to line up "over the ball", being comfortable over a putt is a big deal.(at leased to me.) This mornings game was great for other reasons aswell, remember my friend Jay, well he's back!(no not form the dead, just ft. st. John, but like I hinted at earlier, whats the differents? but I'll not get into that here/now agian.) So got to play with him and Donnie agian, felt like old times,(except for the greater putter confendence!) Of course, Jay has to be the master chipper, and show us all up, but thats o.k., just nice to play with the old group agian!

Now onto the meat of the blog, it seems to me that no one cares about my couch demons,(by the lack of replies/coments I recieived)or was it the soap opera,(thanks agian Allison for the soap, I was working on the landcruiser, and of course got totally greasy, and your soap cuts through everything, infact it may have taken half a layer of skin as well, but thats o.k., you should think of marketing it for mechanics, as the sea cuccumber inside works better then the grit chunks in go-jo, I'll even do an ad for you,"DufferKev sez,"ummm, the soap that tastes as good as it works!""(sorry Al, it just smelled too good!) It seems I've worked out an compromise with my bleary eyed couch dweller, I'll leave any undrunk/beerfoam left overs, on the coffee table, and he won't move it, I've also taken to sleeping more in the bed, and leaving the couch for him.(wierd thing is now I might have an "sheet twisting gremlin",or two, but thats niether here nor there.) This blog would be done by now if not for the Trailer Park Boy's marathon ongoing now, I know I"ve seen them all, but theres somthing about them all in a row that make it irreristable,(especilly with a couple of beers mixxed in,)to waste an afternoon on. I dont know about you, but I spent many of my pre-beard days, living in an trailer, some in an park, some in an town that had as many trailers as houses, and although its not always like that show, I do recognize many of the characters. Mom, I'm sorry bout the time I made a 17lb broad sword in high school shop class, and playing Conan the Morron, cut a nice deep hole in your ceiling, then fixxed it with scotch tape, then, showing friends how I did it, cut a second hole just as deep right next to it, then fixxed that hole with tape as well. and sorry about the time I threw that guy(Brad) through the front window, and blamed the cat, gee I'm surprized you turned out so well, after all those years with me, oh yeah, sorry bout the time I took your cabbage patch doll to a party,(in the trailer) and took pic's of it drinking beer & hitting on chicks all night, and the time my buddy Stella (a guy) got puked on, and wore your underware all night thinking they were my swim trunks...and thats enough confessions for now. On to the tale of two Johnnies! as you must know, today is Canada day, last night millions of Canadians all over the world, hung thier beer cozy's with care, because, if they were good this year, the two Johnnies would come by last night,(Canada day eve, dont you know,) and fill the beer cozy's with ice cold blessings! Who are the two Johnnies you might ask? well I'm here to tell you, John the first, John Molson, came to this land from England, and brought with him the thirist, the pure, un-quenchable thirist.(the thirist of a guy who spent a long time crossing the icy atlantic, on a old boat with no beer) So being the thiristy guy he was, he created Molson, the first of the God water.(although he just called it my beer.) Thats him on the left. On to John the second, John Labatt, was born in Canada, from Irish immegrent parents, and he too had the great thirist, so invented God water aswell, and this is him on the lower left.(this is the best pic. I could find, he may have been really blue, and I thought Labatts Blue, was just a name he made up!) Any way, these two great men got together about 750yrs. ago,(I dont really know when, o.k., the older I get, the less I care to check facts, so to borrow a quote from Chong,"I'm not into time, man.") and toasted to the greatness of themselves, and at the end of that first Canada day, they poured a pint each of thier best brew into the fertile prairie soil, and up sprouted Canada!(although they called it the two Johnnies land, and it stayed as such till, oh about 150yrs. ago.) The Johns toured the land, planting barleys, hopps and yeasts.(and I believe they planted the Anheuser Bush, but thats a fact I would have to check.) Then one year they were just gone, some believe if your good all year, they'll visit late on Canada day eve, and maybe even quaff a pint with those they find worthy. As long as there is beer, and Canadians to drink it, thier great spirits(ghosts, not the beer)will live on!

O.k. on to the Bachelor tip of the day, only one today, but its a good one. Make your own hard covered coffee table books, out of magizines, or regular soft cover books. Any sleazy, smutty, filth, can be turned into art this way, think about it, the only real differents between art and porn(except for the goverment grant) is the hard cover. This is a truth I learned from Madonna, who's hard core smut book graced countless coffee tables accrossed the land,(untill the oldest male child swiped it at least) So what you do is make sure to get the book/mag. cover streched tight and strait,(tape rulers inside to start with,) and spray with laquer,(several lite coats works better than one heavy coat,)or you can dip into a can of laquer, but this is more the advanced technic. After the outside is stiff, remove the rulers, and lightly spray the inside of the cover. Build up a few mils. of laquer, then gently sand, spray a finish coat, and your done, you've just made art!(now wheres that goverment grant, eh?) No more classless porn for you, try to pick your favorite ones, so the coffee table is not stacked or cluttered, nothing ruins art like clutter, then proudly display for all to see. O.k. thats it for today, time to devote myself to beer, and trying to be the best Canadian I can be, and some day maybe I'll see the two Johnnies too! Have a great week, DufferKev.

MoldHawk Revield

Good day, ok this is starting to get creepy, first I thought it was just me, but aparently this is an international phenomonum! all around the world people trust thier couches, and are unsuspectingly robbed of precious time!(and or chips.) Went online and within a minute found a story about a couple in England, who believe aliens inhabit thier couch, the husband refuses to sit on it untill it's been "cleansed". So thats easy to dismiss, but what about Sam losing six hours, and all her chips,(Carlin, I'm not sure if your losing a day on your computer chair counts or not, is your coffee missing or just cold?) so what I think maybe happening is some sort of interplanetary moocher's party, where the alien guests slip in and steal our beer/snacks(maybe coffee, but that must be the moocher morning after trick,)then leave us with the bleary eyed mess. I have had a week of o.t. hell,(wheres the recession when I need it?)so have had little time to follow up on my research promise, but tried to contact Barry from the Furniture/Time Travel Insitute of Technoligy, Canadian Branch, earlier today, and his mom said she has never heard of him, me or the F./T.T.I.T.,C.B.(now she no longer answers my calls,(but then she would not be the first woman to not answer my calls!)) When I checked the web sight, it was gone, like it had never existed! Could have sworn I saw more traffic helicopters this week, never noticed they were so black before, and now there is this guy installing a new floor across the street,(for about 3 days now) never heard of the company, its not in the phone book, Floor, Bilt, Installed. oh wait they just left, weird because its like 2am here...and now a ice cream truck just pulled up, all shinny black, Flavoured, Buttery, Ice, hummmm, oh there they go too! lots of traffic tonight, whats this? Flow's Butcher's Incense, ok I give up, time for a little nap, maybe things will be less wierd when I get back, but first I got a Idea, I'll let you know how it works out...

O.K. I'm back, shorter trip this time, and no beer spilled on me!(had strange dream of Tommy lee Jones&Will Smith, but thats about it.) Sucsess! I set my alarm, left all the lights on and set a trap for the bleary eyed bugger, I give you photographic proof of the existitance of beer moochen little subcreatures! Behold!

O.K. the teddy bear must be his, but I think those are my slippers, So we just sat there looking at each other, till his(my!) beer was gone, then he moved my coffee table,(I didn't see the point in it since I was awake,) slowly he melted into the flowery pattern, and was gone! I rubbed my eyes, jumped up to check the camera, and smashed my toes on the coffee table!(dam crafty little bugger!) If some how I could go back in time, as like in butterfly effect,(inhabit the same body,) as appossed to back to the future,(not inhabit the same body,) what I would do is go back to when I was a baby, and sleep, and sleep, and sleep! I'm sure my parents wish I would have slept all night back then, and I sure wish I could get like a soild 10hrs. now, to me it seams the perfect solution.

Had a fifteen minute conversation about soap recently, a first for me. Alli the soap maker was teaching me about soap,(I always thought there was three kinds of soap, Day's Inn, Hotel 6, and dish!) The cool thing is its like combo soap, you know the sea spunge things? it's in the soap! and as you scrub, it's all there! and the other one she gave me,(boy I must have really stunk that day!) is a soap ball, with a scrubby inside, and these soap smelled so yummy, that if I just hadn't had pork chop and cabbage unroll's,(thanks Alli, yummy!) they may have been in real danger of mid trip munchy!

Gave myself a haircut this week,(stupid hot muggy, no rain, heat wave!) I have only paid for one hair cut in like the last 17 years or so,(I had no hand mirror so had to pay for a straight trim)(sounds dirty to pay for trim!) So I bought a hand mirror, and did this to myself.(glad with digital cameras you dont have to pay for the 30 that didn't even have me in them!) Must have been to hard to aim and smile at the same time. Since I'm old I'll call it my moldhawk, a nother few years, it'll be a baldhawk,(nohawk?) still lots from ear to ear, so might want to start going east to west, instead of north to south. On to the Bachelor tip's of the day, this first ones good for this hard economic time.

tip A. Buy beer you don't like, if your like me this is harder than it sounds, but I found somthing I don't love too much, usally this type of beer is cheaper,(and sometimes comes with a prize aswell!) if you cant find one you dont like, find one your friends dont like! To tell the true taste of beer, drink it at roon temp. if it tastes good warm, its great cold, so if its bad warm, drink it very cold. a great tip for super chilled beer, buy a pack,(some cheap beer comes in a cooler pack,) put in the freezer, the cooler pack will insulate the beer and keep it just above freezing!

tip B. say you have paid most of your bills, have some food in the fridge, and about $100 left for the rest of the month, the best way to stretch this a long way is to go to the bank and change it all to pennys, you'd be amazed how long you can keep it if its a pain in the ass to spend. For me it's the other way, my last $100 is all change already, more then once I've gone to a good course ($25-$40) and paid all in quarters and dimes, maybe a couple of loones/toones, ($1-$2 for you internationals) all it takes is a little time, and try to find out how much you'll need before you go, golfing with $7.84 in spare change in your pockets can be destracting! Well I've had a rough week, even with my earlier nap, still time for bed.(To coin a phrase, "Call me an A-hole, cause I'm wiped!") have a great week, DufferKev

Time travel research continues

Hello, anybody...hope you had a good week, was planning a mid week post, but had a sleep depviation experiment ongoing, so was in no shape to follow up my Homer tribute,(yes Mom, I made that up, thanks for reading all those Dr. Suise books to me when I was a little boy!) I got some great news from Charissa,(via comment posting, go ahead check it out, one blog back, I'll wait...)so am all pumped up now! Once agien, great name, dose it sound how it looks?(in my mind its like "Charr-Risssa"with a little latino R roll going on there, is that close?) So, on to the meat of today's blog. A while back I hinted my couch maybe some sort of time machine, often(not always, but enough to make me believe) when I lay down to watch t.v., I'll dissapear, for like five or six hours, and in my place is some sort of bleary eyed, half life, sub creature. It occupies my couch, sweating and droolling all over the place, aswell as getting my favorite pillow all gooey, I sware it finishes off my leftover beer!(at least warms it up with sub creature back wash!)(yuck!) The wierdist bit, is when I'm coming back, and for several moments, the creature and I inhabit the same body! creepy, confusing, and sometimes painful. I snap awake, all is fuzzy, t.v. blarring some must have, wonder weapon, agienst unwanted hair, or transfats,or cooking unwanted hair in transfats, all while making millions in realistate from the comforts of your own home! Then, slowly, the feeling starts to creep back in, and for the first time I notice, the cool, wet, insantly clammy, leftover beer, that has amasingly remained balanced for like six hours, only to spill all over me, the second the bleary eyed sub creature makes its escape! So jump up, spill rest of beer on my feet,(of course,) peel off socks to be washed later, and then stub toes on coffee table!(moved by bleary eyed bastard, right into the way!) So this happens offten enough to make me believe, and as I've said, I've started my investegation into this.
O.K. Now this is the classic vision of the time machine, it as several features mine dose not. For instance, it has a control panel,(and I'll bet a beer holder as well,) with the abillity to go fowards, as well as back in time. So far with my couch, I only go fowards in time, not nearly as useful at all, and with no control, I tend to miss things, I might have liked to have seen. Another issue, is where ever I go,(when the sub lifer is in my place,) is not very restful, when I come back, I'll be still tired, but unable to get back to sleep, so will lay awake, in the coolest part of the night, cursing my sub partner, till its time for work agien.(thank god for weekends!)





Here is what my couch looks like, don't let its thirty year old hawaiian shirt charm fool you, once your feet hit the wrong spot, pow, your gone! So, I sent a sample into theFurniture/Time Travel Insitute of Technoligy, Canadian Branch,(I think it may accually be some guy named Barry, who must still live in his mom's bastment, but the web page sure looked impressive!) I'm still waiting for the results, as soon as I hear back from the F./T.T.I.T.,C.B., you'll be the first to know. On to the bacholer tips for the day.


Tip.)1Be lazy, (carefully) this tip is not a good idea, if you have a septic tank, where what you flush stays, but if like me, your on a system where you flush and it goes away, then you might want to try this. Small things, like bits of food, or coffee grinds, are easlly flushed, experiment with your system, and work up gradully,(do not try flushing turkey guts, right before your thanksgiving guests arrive,o.k.) but as I have to fill my coffee pot in the bathroom anyway's,(long story, tell you later,) I just dump out my reuseable filter into the toilet, and let'er go!(in my mind the guys at the treatment plant appreciate a little coffee, instead off pile after pile of...)
Tip)2 More of just a life thought, was watching video's and saw Sublime's bad fish. In this vid. is a guy whose t-shirt said,"Poor,Ugly,Happy." Now this got me thinking, I've alway's had at least two of the three, so maybe in accepting that, the third will come. Anyway's that's too deep for me, so I'll just go, hope to golf tomorrow, maybe post agien,(try to get to Delta agien, to see if that little half blind bunny is o.k.!)Latter DufferKev.

Two parts, one brain!

Good day to all, I'm writing this blog in two parts, one before I golf, and the rest tonight, after(hopefuly) my triumphent return! Remember the time when things were quite? My mom just got into texting on her phone,(and I think she's praticing on me!)She is wondering where my next blog is, so best start now! Mom what dose t 9 w, mean? Anyway, keep them coming, they brighten my day!


Not that my day needs brightening, a friend of my bro's,(and the "first" non realitive, to respond to my blog!) Charissa,(cool name,) has promised to get me Homer Simpsons autograph! Now I don't know if you are aware of this, but Homer is my hero! just such an insperation for men everywhere. I mean, he's been to space, was neibours with two ex-priesidents, was a fireman, was in the army, and navy,("Is the poop deck really what I think it is?") and was the mayor of half of springfield.(for about 20 min.) He was a tow truck driver, a loche ness diver, a snake wacker, a comet tracker, a garbage man, the leader of a clan,(the stone cutters) a foot ball coach, he attemted a deer poach, a food critic coulmist, a town safty activist. He ran a moonshine still, and had the biggest sugar hill. A long range trucker, a pie in your face chucker, a hippie juice maker, a gravedigger undertaker, a celebirty gossip writer, and a prize fighter! Was the head of the niebourhood watch, staked vampire boss in the crotch, was crazy about a gun, and was tetherd to his son. Stopped a radioactive leak,(with his ass!), was bigfoot freak, played golf with his boss, was a carnny ring toss. Grandpa made him a "drug smuggler", but MAX POWER was a "tree hugger", has a third rate physision,(dr. Nick Riviaira,) and was a musician.(opera, grunge rock, & barbera shop!) Has a half brother, an dissapearing mother, and is still the most loyal man I know,("I can't stay mad at you Moe...your the guy who gets me drunk!) been hit in the head, lesser men would be dead, but on Homer it dose not show. A cable stealer, a prison squealer, a casino dealer, and the father of a fake healer!(There is more but I'm all out of ryme.)Remember the time(second) he owned a horse, and became the horse whisperer"When the race starts, run really, really, fast!" Some of my faverite Homer quotes are, "I would rater drink a beer, then win good father of the year.", "Trying, is the first step towards failure."& my fave."Doh!" I swear the man can say more in an uttered "Doh!" then a thousand poets...but the most impressive thing about Homer, is he's soo smooth, and squave, that despite all his many shortcomings, Marge will never leave him.(The real insperation for us bachorlers out there!) He must be quite the hammer in the sack!(oh come on, like you never thought about that!) Anyway's I'm quite excited about the autograph!(no pressure Charissa!) Will give one bachlor tip now, then one at the end of the second half of the blog,(post golf!)


tip 1) Was recently told by a friend, that poptarts are NOT fruit,(and that I will get "scruvey", thanks for the pasta sause Allisson, it was/is delicious!) Well this tip will not help with scruvey, it will make your poptarts more like a meal. What I do is, after they come out of the toaster,(important step, do NOT get peanut butter, or any other goo into your toaster! this would be bad,) smear generous amounts of peanut butter onto the inside(frosty side) of one of the tarts, then stick inside of other tart onto the peanut butter, to make a poptart, peanut butter sandwitch! After two of these, I'd say, breakfest was served! latter, more after golf!

Well I'm back, and I must say, I had golf! You know when you havent had "any" in a while. then you get "sum", and when you go to work the next day, your freinds are like, "ooohhh, you got sum, you got sum, come tell me all about it!" Well with me it's golf, now my freinds will say,"you had golf this weekend didn't you" because of this inner glow that lasts till about first coffee break, then the crap factory takes hold of my soul agien.(Till I get my Homer autograph, I'll keep it with me at work, and when no ones watching I'll take it out and smile!) Golf was wonderful, went to my favorite, midsized course, Delta golf club. It has many par 4's and 2 par 5's, on a midsized course, if you get a good drive, the hole is usally pretty easy, and today, my driver was my "magik frikkin wand!" not normally the case, but when it works good, alls good! Had 5 pars, and many more chances, if my putter had been "on" it could have been one of the better games this year! I went to whats called " super twilight", after 6:30,(the time changes all year,) the rates dropped to $21.(about half of morning rates) The best things about "super twilight" are, you can sleep in,(if your Mom dosn't text you, just kidding mom, I was up!) it's affordable, and the nice cool evening breeze, is nice and cool.(and breezy!) The faiways were like carpet, and not like my old carpets either, good carpet. the greens were the best I've putted on all year, so I have no excuses, smooth, fast, almost like shinny velvet. Nice views, lots of trees,(yes, I hit a few, just to prove thier real!) I ended up finding more balls then I lost, that plus the big assed pizza I bought on the way home, has made for a splended day.

Above is my birddie try on #9, I missed it.(just) To the left is a rock garden thingy, between#1&#10 tee boxes. Below is this (too)brave little bunny, that would not leave!(wouldn't tell me were my ball went either though.) I think I blinded him with the flash, sorry little guy, didn't know it was dark enough for the flash!
















I think other than golf, my only excercise, is when I forget something, and have to run up/down my three flights of stairs, so eventully, I'll be smart, or thin, either ways o.k. with me! Time for bachlor tip #2)You know how it's easy to not want something, as long as you have it? But as soon as you run out of something, its all you want. The thing to do is, after you eat all your McD's, keep the bag in the fridge,(leave in some McChicken sause, or some napkins, because leaving an empty bag in the fridge is just insane!) Now when you open the fridge and see the McD. bag, you'll think,"wow, burger, I'll save that goodness for later, I'll eat the crap now and save that treat for latter, when I'll be really hungery, and enjoy it more!" I've had the same(almost)(I'm not insane)(yet)empty bag in my fridge for like two weeks now,(at least I hope it's (almost) empty, don't really want to look anymore,) and it's working like a charm! I've eaten half a jar of peanutbutter, and three loaves of gas station bread,(gas station bread seems to out "fresh"most other bread, maybe the oil residue, I dont know, still trying to figger out my couch!) and I'm still saving my phantom burger for latter! Have a good day, and may you all have golf this week! DufferKev.