Double Dipped

Well hello agian, ooppps, seems like I'm almost a week late!(or could be"weak, late?") I did the pevervial double dipp, and golfed twice last weekend! as a result, been dragg'n my ass all week. But no matter because the weekends here agian!

My first golf came on saturday, at Meridian Par 3, for those of you paying attention, yes this is the course I got my second hole-in-one at, on that cool, wintery day, long past. This day I was playing with my buds Chris, and Robbie, and it was not a cool winters day, it was a hot summers afternoon. Long, dark, shadows, mixed with sauna like tempertures, with just a touch of sweat stung eye's, thrown in for good measure! This is a picture of hole #1,(the flag is in the center, on the top of that hill, on a sort of flattish spot, surrounded on three sides by doom!) It's kind of hard to tell by this shot, but the hole drops from the tee box, at leased 50 feet, down to a creek,(witch runs through the entire course, and is felt on almost every hole!)then rises to a plateau between 70-80 feet up! This is a 165ish yard, par three, if you hit it short, it runs into the creek, and your doomed, hit is too far, and the deep scary woods await, hit it right, and it into the fence/trees, or onto the 8th green, to the left is...well I'm not sure, but I think thats where BigFoots been hiding all these years! Even if you hit the postage stamp sized green, your troubles just begun. This is a hilly course, built on a old nut orchard,(I can't remember the nut!) with multi-tierd, fast running greens, so if the putts too fast, good chance you'll be chipping back onto the green for the next shot! My game was off and on,(then off agian!)but I had a great day, lots of fun, and really good putting practice.(O.K., I lost the game, came in dead last, third place sounds better though.) But the important part is, I won the poker game after! What we do is, everyone throws in a twonnie or fin,($2 or $5, for the un-Canadian readers,) and play poker at the end of the game, you get 1 card for every par, and 2 cards for every birdie.(if you happen to get more then 5 cards, boy are you playing in the wrong group! no, but you have to discard to the maximum of 5 cards.) So, any way, I win with a pair of nines, and I won $6! Six bucks, wooohoo!(it cost $13 to play,) still six bucks I would not have had,(and $2.50 for the Gateraid,), uhmmmm,(and probbly $4.50 in diesel to get your fat ass out there in the weasle-moblie...)Shut up you! stupid brain, takes all the fun out of it! On to game two, sunday afternoon I get a call from another friend, He wants to play Rupert park, a city owned, short, hilly, swampy, par 3.(and His home course!) I explained I was poor,(couldn't understand how, I'd just won like 6 bucks, don't ya know?)He was so keen to kick my golfing ass, that He even loaned me the greens fee, and I had the best game of the year! I whooped him,(not that it matters at all, I play agianst myself, and with my freinds, but it did feel real good, especially after saturday,) It was like the hole was bigger or something, I was making putts from every where, and even chipped in(out of the mud,) for a birddie, on hole#17. I shot +2 on the back nine,(with a 6 on a hole!) I wish I could save some of the lucky bounces for a latter game, because great days like that are(too)few and far between!

I've had a strange problem for a few years now, I like to ware boxers when I golf, and almost always a pair of shorts. Now the problem occurs when my shorts slide down, and of course I grab hold and reef them up, but the boxers come up aswell! No biggie, next hole, shorts slide down, pull shorts up, up come boxers! hummm! gettin a little tight down there! Next hole, shorts slide down, boxers still tight, pull shorts up, some things getting strangled south of the equator! At this point, I got this 40yr. old Marky Mark wanna be look going!(you remember the Klien ads, before He pulled up his dignity, and became the respected actor, Mark Wahlberg.) next hole, shorts slide down, pull shorts up,...and then it happens, the ManToe,(commonly referred to as the Moose Knuckle,) binding(blinding)pain! so bend your knees for the next shot, don't forget to extend, and fully rotate!(and yank on that ever tightning noose!) Hopefully by now, I'll be some where close to porta can, or bushes, or at leased alone! This dosen't always happen, usally only when I'm golfing with complete strangers,(and thats probally what thier thinking too,"guy's a complete stranger, and he can't keep his hands out of his pants!") what a wonderful first/last impression. Seams to be happening more often, shorts might be getting losesser or something.(maybe the bachelor diet plan is starting to work?) This is why I love army shorts, lots of draw strings/straps, to keep things where they should be!

Time for the Bachelor tips for the week, tip#1, this tip goes nicely with the dead skin lamp tip from last blog. After you've divied up all your tattoos, a good next step is to have your bones, boiled, bleached, and varnished.(you could be the skeleton in your own closest!) Get a taxidermist to mount your bones in cool possess, like your fore arm/hand could be mounted to the wall, holding a bulb/shade combo, for a niffty lamp! Or seal up the skull holes, hinge the top, and you got a very goth ice bucket! Stick the feet to the wall as a shoe tree! O.K., last one, keep the whole skeleton, and get a really big globe, paint the globe black and red, then pose like an apocalyptic Atlas,(greek god of holding world on sholders,) I would display in the front foyer, to greet your guests in style!

Tip#2, this tip is for the true bachelors out there, if you want to shave your head by your self, its real easy, if you want to shave a mo-hawk by your self, its real hard. Even with a hand held mirror, and a wall mirror, its tricky.(as you move the clippers right, they look like they move left, and by the time you've got it figgered out, you'll likely have taken out a chunk you wanted to save, then you have to make it narrower to keep it even, and trying to reach over to the left side of your head, with your right hand, then cut straight, uhg!) So the trick is, get some painters tape,(it dose not"grip"as hard as duct tape,)and mask your head. I do one side at a time, comb all the hair you want to keep to one side, slide the tape along your head till you get to where you don't want to cut, and tack it down.(you will have to tape onto your nose, and neck.) If your hair(the part to be shaved,)is too long for the tape to stick well, be sure to hold it down, or you will go crooked!(and have to get narrower to keep it even.) Lastly, just run the clippers along the tape,( keeping a small part on the tape,)and you should have a pretty straight line. Start off trying for a wide hawk, and if you screw it up, just keep making it narrower.(and narrower, untill you have a shaved head, then wait a month, and try agian!)

Thats it for today, hope to golf agian soon,(duh,)but the Britsh Open golf tourniment is on t.v. this weekend, and it starts at 4am every day, so may just veggie out.(plus the pin(hole)placement gets harder every time there is a major tourniment on t.v., why would they do that to me? just because better golfs on t.v. dosen't mean I get better, but every pich-n-putt out there, will have there pins tucked into the corners, the green a little faster, the rough grown a little longer, and phyco greens keepers huddled around steaming cauldrons, sacraficing small rodants, with backwards lipped incantations designed to befuddle the happless duffer, I ask you, my freinds, what more can we take?...I mean, BRING IT ON! Plant a flag on the side of a mountain, and I'll want to play it.) Have a great weekend! Latter, DufferKev.