Early golf, interrups rodent romp!

Good weekend all! Am having a good one myself, sort of a golf sandwitch, played friday afternoon, and then 8:15 this morning. Better then the double dipp, a day inbetween to nap is nice! Played well on friday, so had high hopes for today, and while I played fairly well, that has to take a back seat to the wildlife story.

This first shot is of the first tee at Burnaby Central pich-n-putt, with the sun just breaking through the mist and gloom! The next one is of hole #10, notice the super tall, straight trunked, trees? well some old timer,(well I guess thats realitive, I'll call him a comtemporary,) that I was paired up with, was telling me that in the way back time, those trees were planted for sailing ship masts, and they built the golf course around what was left over. Now this third shot is of a too brave little squirrle, who was poising on our way out,(I played with Donnie today,) about 5 ft. away, standing up, begging, untill I set down everything and dug out my camera, then he splt, maybe the half blind bunny warned him or something. Donnie said he fed him a part doughnut before the round, so he must have been coming back for the rest. O.k. on to the good stuff, on the 11th tee box, Donnie looks up at a stump in the bush right behind us and said,"look at them squirrles going at it!" Now I thought he ment fighting, or somthing. But no, they were really going at it! Bamp, bamp, ba bawwoowh, shicka, shicka!(my interpertation of classic 70's porn sound track, read it agian, it'll make more sense this time!) I have never seen anything like this before!(and I grew up on a farm,) within about 3 min. they changed positions, like, 4 or 5 times,(and I swear he gave her a little smack on the tail one time!) I kept thinking I should grab my camera, but they surely would bolt, any time now. Fianally, they tore off,(I think maybe she was shy, but him, not so much,) and it may have been the sun, but it looked like he gave me a little furry finger, on his way out. Now to me the best part, was the whole time, about 10ft. away, two crows were watching them consumate thier love. So here we stand, watching birds, watching rodants, not wanting to be watched! I think this through my game off a little. Another cool thing about Burnaby Central, is on sunday mornings, the radio controlled model boat club comes down and takes over the local duck pond, I barley missed a shot of a little duck, just booting it between these two tug boats! some days there are lots of cooler boats here, but these are nice too.(don't want to piss off the little boat people, I spend too much time near water hazzards, they're tiny, they could be lurking anywhere!) For any of you wondering about my underware dilemma, I tried a belt these last two times, and it really did help,(after I tightend it another notch, I think I did lose a bit of mass!) but it did bring up another issuse,(all ways happens, right?, when ever you find a good solution, it usally causes some other problem,) one of my habbits is to grab my pouch,(hip sack, man purse, whatever!) and right before I swing, I quickly twist it 90 degrees to the left, this clears it out of the way of my hip rotation, and help not unbalance me. So the new trick is to grab my belt instead of my hip sack, and give that a quick, left hand twist!(go ahead and try it for your self, grab the top of your pants and twist(quickly!)90 degrees to the left, about half way through your body starts to twist too, its physics dont you know?) My freinds seam to think this is funny, so go ahead, you can laugh at me too!

Time for the bachelor tips of the week, this is more of a philosophy, with some exampels thrown in. Remember the crazy punk daze of the 70's/early 80's, one of the best things to come out of all that, was a sence of "do it yourself"(it took me years to figger out what the "DIY" tee-shirts meant, I thought it was the kool new way to spell DIE!) I recently saved several hundred $ by doing my own muffler repairs on the Landcrusier, I bought a few dollars worth of extention parts and clamps from Canadian Tire,(hey guys, your welcome for the shout out, maybe next time I'm stupid enough to grace your understaffed wonderland, you could maybe not make me wait for 20 min. in three differnt lines, before you tell me my return's too old, so I have to pay the $1.89 for the correct clamp anyways!) and like a giant erector set, I rigged it all together. It is amazing what you can do with a couple chunks of 2x4, and a good hammer. The top piece is so tight, I did not bother clamping it.(yes the 20min. clamp.) While it was apart, I painted the pieces, notice how I smartly,(lazy ly)painted them the same(almost)colour of the very greasy engine. The only problem I've had with this DIY repair is, it's too quite, I got used to it growling like a hungry bear, now it purrs like a kitten.(or maybe a squirrle in love! some thing cute and or fulffy anyways.)

O.k. This next ones not going to be for every one,(not like washing socks in peanut butter jars, or sucking toothpaste,) this is one of my teeth, its been bugging me for, oh, a while now...about three years ago, back when I was un-bacherlored(?) and she had a overpaid, goverment type job, and we had real good dental/medical, my tooth started to get a little loose, but I had other things to worry about.(obviously I didn't worry enough, as now I'm single!) Fast foward about a year, now she's left, and taken the dental care with her, I'm not mental about the dental to begin with, so when I found out it would cost me about $100 out of my pocket to get it pulled, I thought better of it. Fast foward another year, the tooth has not gotten any better on its own, go figger. So now I decide to let it fall out on its own, kind of let nature take it's course. Fast foward another year, still not fallen out yet, starting to bug me more and more, miss green apples, and corn on the cob! Fast forward to this friday, tooth buggin' me all day, so I went golfing, no good, golfed well, but tooth did not tighten it self up, what the hell, I gave it like 3 years, and still its not fixing itself! Enough! I decided to borrow a scene from Tom Hanks in Castaway, and preform,(freeform)DIY dentistery. Unlike Tom, I did not feel the need to bash myself in the face with a skate,(although it would have been very Canadian of me,) nor did I have a bloodied, talking vollyball,(I bet I would have helped,) what I do have is a resoureful mom. When my brother and I were little boys, the dentist was a long distance trip, one they were not going to make every time one of our baby teeth were coming out, so my mom DIYed. What she would do is tie a string to the loose tooth, and the other end to a door knob, or some times a heavy winter boot, then to distract us, she would tell us a story. Some time during the story,(and she was a great story teller, probably still is, I've not had 12 yrs. to sit around and listen to her for about 30 yrs. now,) she would slam the door shut, or knock the boot off the table, and the tooth would just "pop" out!(crafty, except one time, during the story, my brother, used his tongue to remove the string, so when the boot fell, the tooth stayed, and we got double story! he's crafty too!) So, here I am, friday night, looking at my doors, all of them are hollow, and I had this image of the door breaking, and me, with a knob hanging from a string, attached to a half ganked(giant yank, gank)out tooth, hanging from its last super gripped on root! So the doors were out.(except the big steal front door, and I ruled it out because, if I pass out and fall, all there is below me is steal steps and concrete. On to plan two, I think my tooth was too tough for a boot off the table, so I filled up two Gatorade jugs, and put them into a cooler, then went to get a micky of whiskey, I figgerd by the time I was half done,...well you get the idea. So a couple hours later, and my tooths not bugging me any more,(so why fix it?)I then thought maybe the cooler would not be heavy enough, humm, half bottle later, and I think I should redo my complex math! so I fill tw0 more Gatorade jugs, put them in the cooler, tie a waxy yellow cord around the cooler, put down some couch cushions so I don't break my favorite cooler, set the cooler on the edge of my table,(about 6 or 7ft. away) grabbed my first extra long putter, tried the other end, of the cord, onto my offending tooth, and slowly started to nudge the cooler off the table...watching t.v., trying to be "surprized" like mom use to do it. Thinking to myself, I wish I had wilson here to help me, "WILSON!", ha ha, that funn..WHAM! there it goes! and I mean gone! the cooler wobbled off the table edge, and like it was catapulted, the tooth tore out of there!(took a chunk of lip with it, just for spite.) First thought,"wow, it worked", second thought, "of course it did, you moron, you got like 15lbs. falling 4 feet, with 3 feet of slack! lucky only one came out!" So I follow the yellow cord, and up agianst the wall, about 15 feet away from where I was, I find the tooth. I'm going to keep it with my other lost tooth, just in case you get my skull ice bucket, there won't be any annoying gaps. About 10 min. latter, after the bleeding stopped, and I'm pretty proud of myself, saved $100, no waiting room, no nothing,...then I start to get the cold sweats, and it all gets a little grey, so I strip down,(don't look, don't even think it,)to my boxers, and crank the fan on high for about 10 min. till I feel well enough to go to bed. Saturday morning my mouth felt better then in a long time. Lesson learned, when in doubt, gank that sucker out! I'm going out for apples! have a great week, DufferKev.

Double Dipped

Well hello agian, ooppps, seems like I'm almost a week late!(or could be"weak, late?") I did the pevervial double dipp, and golfed twice last weekend! as a result, been dragg'n my ass all week. But no matter because the weekends here agian!

My first golf came on saturday, at Meridian Par 3, for those of you paying attention, yes this is the course I got my second hole-in-one at, on that cool, wintery day, long past. This day I was playing with my buds Chris, and Robbie, and it was not a cool winters day, it was a hot summers afternoon. Long, dark, shadows, mixed with sauna like tempertures, with just a touch of sweat stung eye's, thrown in for good measure! This is a picture of hole #1,(the flag is in the center, on the top of that hill, on a sort of flattish spot, surrounded on three sides by doom!) It's kind of hard to tell by this shot, but the hole drops from the tee box, at leased 50 feet, down to a creek,(witch runs through the entire course, and is felt on almost every hole!)then rises to a plateau between 70-80 feet up! This is a 165ish yard, par three, if you hit it short, it runs into the creek, and your doomed, hit is too far, and the deep scary woods await, hit it right, and it into the fence/trees, or onto the 8th green, to the left is...well I'm not sure, but I think thats where BigFoots been hiding all these years! Even if you hit the postage stamp sized green, your troubles just begun. This is a hilly course, built on a old nut orchard,(I can't remember the nut!) with multi-tierd, fast running greens, so if the putts too fast, good chance you'll be chipping back onto the green for the next shot! My game was off and on,(then off agian!)but I had a great day, lots of fun, and really good putting practice.(O.K., I lost the game, came in dead last, third place sounds better though.) But the important part is, I won the poker game after! What we do is, everyone throws in a twonnie or fin,($2 or $5, for the un-Canadian readers,) and play poker at the end of the game, you get 1 card for every par, and 2 cards for every birdie.(if you happen to get more then 5 cards, boy are you playing in the wrong group! no, but you have to discard to the maximum of 5 cards.) So, any way, I win with a pair of nines, and I won $6! Six bucks, wooohoo!(it cost $13 to play,) still six bucks I would not have had,(and $2.50 for the Gateraid,), uhmmmm,(and probbly $4.50 in diesel to get your fat ass out there in the weasle-moblie...)Shut up you! stupid brain, takes all the fun out of it! On to game two, sunday afternoon I get a call from another friend, He wants to play Rupert park, a city owned, short, hilly, swampy, par 3.(and His home course!) I explained I was poor,(couldn't understand how, I'd just won like 6 bucks, don't ya know?)He was so keen to kick my golfing ass, that He even loaned me the greens fee, and I had the best game of the year! I whooped him,(not that it matters at all, I play agianst myself, and with my freinds, but it did feel real good, especially after saturday,) It was like the hole was bigger or something, I was making putts from every where, and even chipped in(out of the mud,) for a birddie, on hole#17. I shot +2 on the back nine,(with a 6 on a hole!) I wish I could save some of the lucky bounces for a latter game, because great days like that are(too)few and far between!

I've had a strange problem for a few years now, I like to ware boxers when I golf, and almost always a pair of shorts. Now the problem occurs when my shorts slide down, and of course I grab hold and reef them up, but the boxers come up aswell! No biggie, next hole, shorts slide down, pull shorts up, up come boxers! hummm! gettin a little tight down there! Next hole, shorts slide down, boxers still tight, pull shorts up, some things getting strangled south of the equator! At this point, I got this 40yr. old Marky Mark wanna be look going!(you remember the Klien ads, before He pulled up his dignity, and became the respected actor, Mark Wahlberg.) next hole, shorts slide down, pull shorts up,...and then it happens, the ManToe,(commonly referred to as the Moose Knuckle,) binding(blinding)pain! so bend your knees for the next shot, don't forget to extend, and fully rotate!(and yank on that ever tightning noose!) Hopefully by now, I'll be some where close to porta can, or bushes, or at leased alone! This dosen't always happen, usally only when I'm golfing with complete strangers,(and thats probally what thier thinking too,"guy's a complete stranger, and he can't keep his hands out of his pants!") what a wonderful first/last impression. Seams to be happening more often, shorts might be getting losesser or something.(maybe the bachelor diet plan is starting to work?) This is why I love army shorts, lots of draw strings/straps, to keep things where they should be!

Time for the Bachelor tips for the week, tip#1, this tip goes nicely with the dead skin lamp tip from last blog. After you've divied up all your tattoos, a good next step is to have your bones, boiled, bleached, and varnished.(you could be the skeleton in your own closest!) Get a taxidermist to mount your bones in cool possess, like your fore arm/hand could be mounted to the wall, holding a bulb/shade combo, for a niffty lamp! Or seal up the skull holes, hinge the top, and you got a very goth ice bucket! Stick the feet to the wall as a shoe tree! O.K., last one, keep the whole skeleton, and get a really big globe, paint the globe black and red, then pose like an apocalyptic Atlas,(greek god of holding world on sholders,) I would display in the front foyer, to greet your guests in style!

Tip#2, this tip is for the true bachelors out there, if you want to shave your head by your self, its real easy, if you want to shave a mo-hawk by your self, its real hard. Even with a hand held mirror, and a wall mirror, its tricky.(as you move the clippers right, they look like they move left, and by the time you've got it figgered out, you'll likely have taken out a chunk you wanted to save, then you have to make it narrower to keep it even, and trying to reach over to the left side of your head, with your right hand, then cut straight, uhg!) So the trick is, get some painters tape,(it dose not"grip"as hard as duct tape,)and mask your head. I do one side at a time, comb all the hair you want to keep to one side, slide the tape along your head till you get to where you don't want to cut, and tack it down.(you will have to tape onto your nose, and neck.) If your hair(the part to be shaved,)is too long for the tape to stick well, be sure to hold it down, or you will go crooked!(and have to get narrower to keep it even.) Lastly, just run the clippers along the tape,( keeping a small part on the tape,)and you should have a pretty straight line. Start off trying for a wide hawk, and if you screw it up, just keep making it narrower.(and narrower, untill you have a shaved head, then wait a month, and try agian!)

Thats it for today, hope to golf agian soon,(duh,)but the Britsh Open golf tourniment is on t.v. this weekend, and it starts at 4am every day, so may just veggie out.(plus the pin(hole)placement gets harder every time there is a major tourniment on t.v., why would they do that to me? just because better golfs on t.v. dosen't mean I get better, but every pich-n-putt out there, will have there pins tucked into the corners, the green a little faster, the rough grown a little longer, and phyco greens keepers huddled around steaming cauldrons, sacraficing small rodants, with backwards lipped incantations designed to befuddle the happless duffer, I ask you, my freinds, what more can we take?...I mean, BRING IT ON! Plant a flag on the side of a mountain, and I'll want to play it.) Have a great weekend! Latter, DufferKev.

Fireworks Safety 101

Hello out there, Happy 4th o july, I know its only been like three days since my last blog, but I wanted to help out my southern brothern,(and sistern,...although sistern sounds like a plumming term, like "go snake the crap from the clogged sistern!" now that sounds dirty and sexist, see how I save time by offending twice as many of you at once!) This blog will deal with the serious issue of fireworks/cracker safty. As many of you know, bad things can happen to good people, so I'll just take a few minutes to cover the basics.

#1)Now I know in lots of ways our two days are a like, and like us, you'll most likely have a few brews, don't get me wrong, this is a good thing, especially in these hard economic times, soak it up while you can! The main differents between us is that we don't get twice as much explosives as beer,(what is there some kind of deal, buy a two fore, get quarter stick of dynomite one third off!) so when we get sloppy drunk, well you get the picture. I mean, any one who knows me, knows I'd chew through this screen for a long necked, cold filter, frosty Duff, hey! back off Home boy, those are my Duffs! sorry, but I got up at 5am for a 6:30am tee time, that Jay the slacker slept through! its o.k., because Donnie and I got lots of time to stand around and talk,(although we should have maybe been practicing!) and he did eventually show up, so I've had a long morning already, and sure could use a cold one about now! So the point I was trying to make was, get drunk, be careful, keep all your fingers!

#2 If you insist on drinking way too much, switch to sparklers! they can be fun too, when you get all bleary eyed, you can write your name in the sky,(if its dark, and you can still spell it!) or put three or four in your freinds hair, as long as they keep moving, the sparks should miss them! See how much fun Ralph is having with his sparkler! So in conclution, drink like Homer, play like Ralph, keep your fingers!

#3 Do not let your kids put lit firecrackers in your mouth,(or in any part of you for that matter!) o.k.? class, this would be bad, self explainitory! Sum up, mouth boom bad!

My thanks to Homer and Ralph, for thier help in this lesson, see, learning can be fun!

I would like at this time to welcome Lilly, as a follower, you get a free Jiffysock 2000,(check your pantry.) I read one of your blogs, any newer then 06?, Wow, you are good, this may sound wierd, but what are you doing reading my fluff? I mean thank you and welome to the clan! Do you golf?

Time for the bachelor tips for the day!

tip1) This first tip is all about food association, like when your still boozen, but hungery, but its too early and you don't/can't want breakfest, what you going to do? Food associate! For example, eggs, sizzled, fried, greasy, gooey, yuck! but how about pickled? ummm, now we're talken! or sausage, same unappealing above mentioned mess, so a fat pepperoni stick or two, and now what about the toast? Well, toast is bread, bread is wheat, and or barley, beer is wheat, and barley, ssoooo, instead of eggs, sausage, and toast, have pickled eggs, pepperoni sticks, and beers! This would be an excellent tommorow mornning pick me up for many of you cracker heads down there.(and by craker heads I mean fire crackers, not the strange religious group, or are they quakers, quackers, quaker want a quacker? whoops I've done it agian, sorry to offend and quakers out there, I like your oats!(well it worked on the peta-philes didn't it?))

tip2) This tip is better for after you are gone, if like me, you dont have much of an estate to divvy up when your dead, will your tattoos/piercings to your friends and loved ones. O.k., this is not entirerly an origanal idea, when I was young, I was watching the Texas chain saw massacer,(the original, not the no-class splatter fest remake, I mean why they gotta go and do that, make a classic stupid, just for a new batch of desensitized, gore freaks?)and in the family home,(they may have been psycho, but they were a close family,)there were lamps made from human skin. Now this go me thinking, and this was way before I had any tattoos, could a lamp be made for real out of skin? Because that would be cool, with the light shinning out through from behind, projecting your art onto the nearest wall. So instead of saving for your death, so your kids can buy stupid things with your hard earned money, get some body art, it's the only investvent you can't lose!(Mom, when you out live me, how would you like a BEER lamp? it would look lovely in the den!)

In closing, I would ask, the neibours just to the south, could you please keep it down a little tonight/tomorrow morning? some of us are still trying to sleep off our two Johnnie's day hangovers! thanks, latter DufferKev.

Tale of two Johns

Happy Canada day everybody! Hope your having a great one, mine started early with a 6:30am tee time, the early duffer gets the birdie! And I did, I'm accually quite happy with my putter, it has always been the one club to let me down,(well not this one, but putters in general,) this is sad because, even with the rest of my game on, three putting every hole gets old real quick! But my new(this year)putter is much better, sure it took a little practice to get the feel, but for the first time in my life, I feel like a six foot putt is not out of my comfort zone.(it use to be a six inch comfort zone!) My new putter is about five feet tall, so I can stand up, and find it easier to line up "over the ball", being comfortable over a putt is a big deal.(at leased to me.) This mornings game was great for other reasons aswell, remember my friend Jay, well he's back!(no not form the dead, just ft. st. John, but like I hinted at earlier, whats the differents? but I'll not get into that here/now agian.) So got to play with him and Donnie agian, felt like old times,(except for the greater putter confendence!) Of course, Jay has to be the master chipper, and show us all up, but thats o.k., just nice to play with the old group agian!

Now onto the meat of the blog, it seems to me that no one cares about my couch demons,(by the lack of replies/coments I recieived)or was it the soap opera,(thanks agian Allison for the soap, I was working on the landcruiser, and of course got totally greasy, and your soap cuts through everything, infact it may have taken half a layer of skin as well, but thats o.k., you should think of marketing it for mechanics, as the sea cuccumber inside works better then the grit chunks in go-jo, I'll even do an ad for you,"DufferKev sez,"ummm, the soap that tastes as good as it works!""(sorry Al, it just smelled too good!) It seems I've worked out an compromise with my bleary eyed couch dweller, I'll leave any undrunk/beerfoam left overs, on the coffee table, and he won't move it, I've also taken to sleeping more in the bed, and leaving the couch for him.(wierd thing is now I might have an "sheet twisting gremlin",or two, but thats niether here nor there.) This blog would be done by now if not for the Trailer Park Boy's marathon ongoing now, I know I"ve seen them all, but theres somthing about them all in a row that make it irreristable,(especilly with a couple of beers mixxed in,)to waste an afternoon on. I dont know about you, but I spent many of my pre-beard days, living in an trailer, some in an park, some in an town that had as many trailers as houses, and although its not always like that show, I do recognize many of the characters. Mom, I'm sorry bout the time I made a 17lb broad sword in high school shop class, and playing Conan the Morron, cut a nice deep hole in your ceiling, then fixxed it with scotch tape, then, showing friends how I did it, cut a second hole just as deep right next to it, then fixxed that hole with tape as well. and sorry about the time I threw that guy(Brad) through the front window, and blamed the cat, gee I'm surprized you turned out so well, after all those years with me, oh yeah, sorry bout the time I took your cabbage patch doll to a party,(in the trailer) and took pic's of it drinking beer & hitting on chicks all night, and the time my buddy Stella (a guy) got puked on, and wore your underware all night thinking they were my swim trunks...and thats enough confessions for now. On to the tale of two Johnnies! as you must know, today is Canada day, last night millions of Canadians all over the world, hung thier beer cozy's with care, because, if they were good this year, the two Johnnies would come by last night,(Canada day eve, dont you know,) and fill the beer cozy's with ice cold blessings! Who are the two Johnnies you might ask? well I'm here to tell you, John the first, John Molson, came to this land from England, and brought with him the thirist, the pure, un-quenchable thirist.(the thirist of a guy who spent a long time crossing the icy atlantic, on a old boat with no beer) So being the thiristy guy he was, he created Molson, the first of the God water.(although he just called it my beer.) Thats him on the left. On to John the second, John Labatt, was born in Canada, from Irish immegrent parents, and he too had the great thirist, so invented God water aswell, and this is him on the lower left.(this is the best pic. I could find, he may have been really blue, and I thought Labatts Blue, was just a name he made up!) Any way, these two great men got together about 750yrs. ago,(I dont really know when, o.k., the older I get, the less I care to check facts, so to borrow a quote from Chong,"I'm not into time, man.") and toasted to the greatness of themselves, and at the end of that first Canada day, they poured a pint each of thier best brew into the fertile prairie soil, and up sprouted Canada!(although they called it the two Johnnies land, and it stayed as such till, oh about 150yrs. ago.) The Johns toured the land, planting barleys, hopps and yeasts.(and I believe they planted the Anheuser Bush, but thats a fact I would have to check.) Then one year they were just gone, some believe if your good all year, they'll visit late on Canada day eve, and maybe even quaff a pint with those they find worthy. As long as there is beer, and Canadians to drink it, thier great spirits(ghosts, not the beer)will live on!

O.k. on to the Bachelor tip of the day, only one today, but its a good one. Make your own hard covered coffee table books, out of magizines, or regular soft cover books. Any sleazy, smutty, filth, can be turned into art this way, think about it, the only real differents between art and porn(except for the goverment grant) is the hard cover. This is a truth I learned from Madonna, who's hard core smut book graced countless coffee tables accrossed the land,(untill the oldest male child swiped it at least) So what you do is make sure to get the book/mag. cover streched tight and strait,(tape rulers inside to start with,) and spray with laquer,(several lite coats works better than one heavy coat,)or you can dip into a can of laquer, but this is more the advanced technic. After the outside is stiff, remove the rulers, and lightly spray the inside of the cover. Build up a few mils. of laquer, then gently sand, spray a finish coat, and your done, you've just made art!(now wheres that goverment grant, eh?) No more classless porn for you, try to pick your favorite ones, so the coffee table is not stacked or cluttered, nothing ruins art like clutter, then proudly display for all to see. O.k. thats it for today, time to devote myself to beer, and trying to be the best Canadian I can be, and some day maybe I'll see the two Johnnies too! Have a great week, DufferKev.