Fireworks Safety 101

Hello out there, Happy 4th o july, I know its only been like three days since my last blog, but I wanted to help out my southern brothern,(and sistern,...although sistern sounds like a plumming term, like "go snake the crap from the clogged sistern!" now that sounds dirty and sexist, see how I save time by offending twice as many of you at once!) This blog will deal with the serious issue of fireworks/cracker safty. As many of you know, bad things can happen to good people, so I'll just take a few minutes to cover the basics.

#1)Now I know in lots of ways our two days are a like, and like us, you'll most likely have a few brews, don't get me wrong, this is a good thing, especially in these hard economic times, soak it up while you can! The main differents between us is that we don't get twice as much explosives as beer,(what is there some kind of deal, buy a two fore, get quarter stick of dynomite one third off!) so when we get sloppy drunk, well you get the picture. I mean, any one who knows me, knows I'd chew through this screen for a long necked, cold filter, frosty Duff, hey! back off Home boy, those are my Duffs! sorry, but I got up at 5am for a 6:30am tee time, that Jay the slacker slept through! its o.k., because Donnie and I got lots of time to stand around and talk,(although we should have maybe been practicing!) and he did eventually show up, so I've had a long morning already, and sure could use a cold one about now! So the point I was trying to make was, get drunk, be careful, keep all your fingers!

#2 If you insist on drinking way too much, switch to sparklers! they can be fun too, when you get all bleary eyed, you can write your name in the sky,(if its dark, and you can still spell it!) or put three or four in your freinds hair, as long as they keep moving, the sparks should miss them! See how much fun Ralph is having with his sparkler! So in conclution, drink like Homer, play like Ralph, keep your fingers!

#3 Do not let your kids put lit firecrackers in your mouth,(or in any part of you for that matter!) o.k.? class, this would be bad, self explainitory! Sum up, mouth boom bad!

My thanks to Homer and Ralph, for thier help in this lesson, see, learning can be fun!

I would like at this time to welcome Lilly, as a follower, you get a free Jiffysock 2000,(check your pantry.) I read one of your blogs, any newer then 06?, Wow, you are good, this may sound wierd, but what are you doing reading my fluff? I mean thank you and welome to the clan! Do you golf?

Time for the bachelor tips for the day!

tip1) This first tip is all about food association, like when your still boozen, but hungery, but its too early and you don't/can't want breakfest, what you going to do? Food associate! For example, eggs, sizzled, fried, greasy, gooey, yuck! but how about pickled? ummm, now we're talken! or sausage, same unappealing above mentioned mess, so a fat pepperoni stick or two, and now what about the toast? Well, toast is bread, bread is wheat, and or barley, beer is wheat, and barley, ssoooo, instead of eggs, sausage, and toast, have pickled eggs, pepperoni sticks, and beers! This would be an excellent tommorow mornning pick me up for many of you cracker heads down there.(and by craker heads I mean fire crackers, not the strange religious group, or are they quakers, quackers, quaker want a quacker? whoops I've done it agian, sorry to offend and quakers out there, I like your oats!(well it worked on the peta-philes didn't it?))

tip2) This tip is better for after you are gone, if like me, you dont have much of an estate to divvy up when your dead, will your tattoos/piercings to your friends and loved ones. O.k., this is not entirerly an origanal idea, when I was young, I was watching the Texas chain saw massacer,(the original, not the no-class splatter fest remake, I mean why they gotta go and do that, make a classic stupid, just for a new batch of desensitized, gore freaks?)and in the family home,(they may have been psycho, but they were a close family,)there were lamps made from human skin. Now this go me thinking, and this was way before I had any tattoos, could a lamp be made for real out of skin? Because that would be cool, with the light shinning out through from behind, projecting your art onto the nearest wall. So instead of saving for your death, so your kids can buy stupid things with your hard earned money, get some body art, it's the only investvent you can't lose!(Mom, when you out live me, how would you like a BEER lamp? it would look lovely in the den!)

In closing, I would ask, the neibours just to the south, could you please keep it down a little tonight/tomorrow morning? some of us are still trying to sleep off our two Johnnie's day hangovers! thanks, latter DufferKev.