MoldHawk Revield

Good day, ok this is starting to get creepy, first I thought it was just me, but aparently this is an international phenomonum! all around the world people trust thier couches, and are unsuspectingly robbed of precious time!(and or chips.) Went online and within a minute found a story about a couple in England, who believe aliens inhabit thier couch, the husband refuses to sit on it untill it's been "cleansed". So thats easy to dismiss, but what about Sam losing six hours, and all her chips,(Carlin, I'm not sure if your losing a day on your computer chair counts or not, is your coffee missing or just cold?) so what I think maybe happening is some sort of interplanetary moocher's party, where the alien guests slip in and steal our beer/snacks(maybe coffee, but that must be the moocher morning after trick,)then leave us with the bleary eyed mess. I have had a week of o.t. hell,(wheres the recession when I need it?)so have had little time to follow up on my research promise, but tried to contact Barry from the Furniture/Time Travel Insitute of Technoligy, Canadian Branch, earlier today, and his mom said she has never heard of him, me or the F./T.T.I.T.,C.B.(now she no longer answers my calls,(but then she would not be the first woman to not answer my calls!)) When I checked the web sight, it was gone, like it had never existed! Could have sworn I saw more traffic helicopters this week, never noticed they were so black before, and now there is this guy installing a new floor across the street,(for about 3 days now) never heard of the company, its not in the phone book, Floor, Bilt, Installed. oh wait they just left, weird because its like 2am here...and now a ice cream truck just pulled up, all shinny black, Flavoured, Buttery, Ice, hummmm, oh there they go too! lots of traffic tonight, whats this? Flow's Butcher's Incense, ok I give up, time for a little nap, maybe things will be less wierd when I get back, but first I got a Idea, I'll let you know how it works out...

O.K. I'm back, shorter trip this time, and no beer spilled on me!(had strange dream of Tommy lee Jones&Will Smith, but thats about it.) Sucsess! I set my alarm, left all the lights on and set a trap for the bleary eyed bugger, I give you photographic proof of the existitance of beer moochen little subcreatures! Behold!

O.K. the teddy bear must be his, but I think those are my slippers, So we just sat there looking at each other, till his(my!) beer was gone, then he moved my coffee table,(I didn't see the point in it since I was awake,) slowly he melted into the flowery pattern, and was gone! I rubbed my eyes, jumped up to check the camera, and smashed my toes on the coffee table!(dam crafty little bugger!) If some how I could go back in time, as like in butterfly effect,(inhabit the same body,) as appossed to back to the future,(not inhabit the same body,) what I would do is go back to when I was a baby, and sleep, and sleep, and sleep! I'm sure my parents wish I would have slept all night back then, and I sure wish I could get like a soild 10hrs. now, to me it seams the perfect solution.

Had a fifteen minute conversation about soap recently, a first for me. Alli the soap maker was teaching me about soap,(I always thought there was three kinds of soap, Day's Inn, Hotel 6, and dish!) The cool thing is its like combo soap, you know the sea spunge things? it's in the soap! and as you scrub, it's all there! and the other one she gave me,(boy I must have really stunk that day!) is a soap ball, with a scrubby inside, and these soap smelled so yummy, that if I just hadn't had pork chop and cabbage unroll's,(thanks Alli, yummy!) they may have been in real danger of mid trip munchy!

Gave myself a haircut this week,(stupid hot muggy, no rain, heat wave!) I have only paid for one hair cut in like the last 17 years or so,(I had no hand mirror so had to pay for a straight trim)(sounds dirty to pay for trim!) So I bought a hand mirror, and did this to myself.(glad with digital cameras you dont have to pay for the 30 that didn't even have me in them!) Must have been to hard to aim and smile at the same time. Since I'm old I'll call it my moldhawk, a nother few years, it'll be a baldhawk,(nohawk?) still lots from ear to ear, so might want to start going east to west, instead of north to south. On to the Bachelor tip's of the day, this first ones good for this hard economic time.

tip A. Buy beer you don't like, if your like me this is harder than it sounds, but I found somthing I don't love too much, usally this type of beer is cheaper,(and sometimes comes with a prize aswell!) if you cant find one you dont like, find one your friends dont like! To tell the true taste of beer, drink it at roon temp. if it tastes good warm, its great cold, so if its bad warm, drink it very cold. a great tip for super chilled beer, buy a pack,(some cheap beer comes in a cooler pack,) put in the freezer, the cooler pack will insulate the beer and keep it just above freezing!

tip B. say you have paid most of your bills, have some food in the fridge, and about $100 left for the rest of the month, the best way to stretch this a long way is to go to the bank and change it all to pennys, you'd be amazed how long you can keep it if its a pain in the ass to spend. For me it's the other way, my last $100 is all change already, more then once I've gone to a good course ($25-$40) and paid all in quarters and dimes, maybe a couple of loones/toones, ($1-$2 for you internationals) all it takes is a little time, and try to find out how much you'll need before you go, golfing with $7.84 in spare change in your pockets can be destracting! Well I've had a rough week, even with my earlier nap, still time for bed.(To coin a phrase, "Call me an A-hole, cause I'm wiped!") have a great week, DufferKev

Time travel research continues

Hello, anybody...hope you had a good week, was planning a mid week post, but had a sleep depviation experiment ongoing, so was in no shape to follow up my Homer tribute,(yes Mom, I made that up, thanks for reading all those Dr. Suise books to me when I was a little boy!) I got some great news from Charissa,(via comment posting, go ahead check it out, one blog back, I'll wait...)so am all pumped up now! Once agien, great name, dose it sound how it looks?(in my mind its like "Charr-Risssa"with a little latino R roll going on there, is that close?) So, on to the meat of today's blog. A while back I hinted my couch maybe some sort of time machine, often(not always, but enough to make me believe) when I lay down to watch t.v., I'll dissapear, for like five or six hours, and in my place is some sort of bleary eyed, half life, sub creature. It occupies my couch, sweating and droolling all over the place, aswell as getting my favorite pillow all gooey, I sware it finishes off my leftover beer!(at least warms it up with sub creature back wash!)(yuck!) The wierdist bit, is when I'm coming back, and for several moments, the creature and I inhabit the same body! creepy, confusing, and sometimes painful. I snap awake, all is fuzzy, t.v. blarring some must have, wonder weapon, agienst unwanted hair, or transfats,or cooking unwanted hair in transfats, all while making millions in realistate from the comforts of your own home! Then, slowly, the feeling starts to creep back in, and for the first time I notice, the cool, wet, insantly clammy, leftover beer, that has amasingly remained balanced for like six hours, only to spill all over me, the second the bleary eyed sub creature makes its escape! So jump up, spill rest of beer on my feet,(of course,) peel off socks to be washed later, and then stub toes on coffee table!(moved by bleary eyed bastard, right into the way!) So this happens offten enough to make me believe, and as I've said, I've started my investegation into this.
O.K. Now this is the classic vision of the time machine, it as several features mine dose not. For instance, it has a control panel,(and I'll bet a beer holder as well,) with the abillity to go fowards, as well as back in time. So far with my couch, I only go fowards in time, not nearly as useful at all, and with no control, I tend to miss things, I might have liked to have seen. Another issue, is where ever I go,(when the sub lifer is in my place,) is not very restful, when I come back, I'll be still tired, but unable to get back to sleep, so will lay awake, in the coolest part of the night, cursing my sub partner, till its time for work agien.(thank god for weekends!)





Here is what my couch looks like, don't let its thirty year old hawaiian shirt charm fool you, once your feet hit the wrong spot, pow, your gone! So, I sent a sample into theFurniture/Time Travel Insitute of Technoligy, Canadian Branch,(I think it may accually be some guy named Barry, who must still live in his mom's bastment, but the web page sure looked impressive!) I'm still waiting for the results, as soon as I hear back from the F./T.T.I.T.,C.B., you'll be the first to know. On to the bacholer tips for the day.


Tip.)1Be lazy, (carefully) this tip is not a good idea, if you have a septic tank, where what you flush stays, but if like me, your on a system where you flush and it goes away, then you might want to try this. Small things, like bits of food, or coffee grinds, are easlly flushed, experiment with your system, and work up gradully,(do not try flushing turkey guts, right before your thanksgiving guests arrive,o.k.) but as I have to fill my coffee pot in the bathroom anyway's,(long story, tell you later,) I just dump out my reuseable filter into the toilet, and let'er go!(in my mind the guys at the treatment plant appreciate a little coffee, instead off pile after pile of...)
Tip)2 More of just a life thought, was watching video's and saw Sublime's bad fish. In this vid. is a guy whose t-shirt said,"Poor,Ugly,Happy." Now this got me thinking, I've alway's had at least two of the three, so maybe in accepting that, the third will come. Anyway's that's too deep for me, so I'll just go, hope to golf tomorrow, maybe post agien,(try to get to Delta agien, to see if that little half blind bunny is o.k.!)Latter DufferKev.

Two parts, one brain!

Good day to all, I'm writing this blog in two parts, one before I golf, and the rest tonight, after(hopefuly) my triumphent return! Remember the time when things were quite? My mom just got into texting on her phone,(and I think she's praticing on me!)She is wondering where my next blog is, so best start now! Mom what dose t 9 w, mean? Anyway, keep them coming, they brighten my day!


Not that my day needs brightening, a friend of my bro's,(and the "first" non realitive, to respond to my blog!) Charissa,(cool name,) has promised to get me Homer Simpsons autograph! Now I don't know if you are aware of this, but Homer is my hero! just such an insperation for men everywhere. I mean, he's been to space, was neibours with two ex-priesidents, was a fireman, was in the army, and navy,("Is the poop deck really what I think it is?") and was the mayor of half of springfield.(for about 20 min.) He was a tow truck driver, a loche ness diver, a snake wacker, a comet tracker, a garbage man, the leader of a clan,(the stone cutters) a foot ball coach, he attemted a deer poach, a food critic coulmist, a town safty activist. He ran a moonshine still, and had the biggest sugar hill. A long range trucker, a pie in your face chucker, a hippie juice maker, a gravedigger undertaker, a celebirty gossip writer, and a prize fighter! Was the head of the niebourhood watch, staked vampire boss in the crotch, was crazy about a gun, and was tetherd to his son. Stopped a radioactive leak,(with his ass!), was bigfoot freak, played golf with his boss, was a carnny ring toss. Grandpa made him a "drug smuggler", but MAX POWER was a "tree hugger", has a third rate physision,(dr. Nick Riviaira,) and was a musician.(opera, grunge rock, & barbera shop!) Has a half brother, an dissapearing mother, and is still the most loyal man I know,("I can't stay mad at you Moe...your the guy who gets me drunk!) been hit in the head, lesser men would be dead, but on Homer it dose not show. A cable stealer, a prison squealer, a casino dealer, and the father of a fake healer!(There is more but I'm all out of ryme.)Remember the time(second) he owned a horse, and became the horse whisperer"When the race starts, run really, really, fast!" Some of my faverite Homer quotes are, "I would rater drink a beer, then win good father of the year.", "Trying, is the first step towards failure."& my fave."Doh!" I swear the man can say more in an uttered "Doh!" then a thousand poets...but the most impressive thing about Homer, is he's soo smooth, and squave, that despite all his many shortcomings, Marge will never leave him.(The real insperation for us bachorlers out there!) He must be quite the hammer in the sack!(oh come on, like you never thought about that!) Anyway's I'm quite excited about the autograph!(no pressure Charissa!) Will give one bachlor tip now, then one at the end of the second half of the blog,(post golf!)


tip 1) Was recently told by a friend, that poptarts are NOT fruit,(and that I will get "scruvey", thanks for the pasta sause Allisson, it was/is delicious!) Well this tip will not help with scruvey, it will make your poptarts more like a meal. What I do is, after they come out of the toaster,(important step, do NOT get peanut butter, or any other goo into your toaster! this would be bad,) smear generous amounts of peanut butter onto the inside(frosty side) of one of the tarts, then stick inside of other tart onto the peanut butter, to make a poptart, peanut butter sandwitch! After two of these, I'd say, breakfest was served! latter, more after golf!

Well I'm back, and I must say, I had golf! You know when you havent had "any" in a while. then you get "sum", and when you go to work the next day, your freinds are like, "ooohhh, you got sum, you got sum, come tell me all about it!" Well with me it's golf, now my freinds will say,"you had golf this weekend didn't you" because of this inner glow that lasts till about first coffee break, then the crap factory takes hold of my soul agien.(Till I get my Homer autograph, I'll keep it with me at work, and when no ones watching I'll take it out and smile!) Golf was wonderful, went to my favorite, midsized course, Delta golf club. It has many par 4's and 2 par 5's, on a midsized course, if you get a good drive, the hole is usally pretty easy, and today, my driver was my "magik frikkin wand!" not normally the case, but when it works good, alls good! Had 5 pars, and many more chances, if my putter had been "on" it could have been one of the better games this year! I went to whats called " super twilight", after 6:30,(the time changes all year,) the rates dropped to $21.(about half of morning rates) The best things about "super twilight" are, you can sleep in,(if your Mom dosn't text you, just kidding mom, I was up!) it's affordable, and the nice cool evening breeze, is nice and cool.(and breezy!) The faiways were like carpet, and not like my old carpets either, good carpet. the greens were the best I've putted on all year, so I have no excuses, smooth, fast, almost like shinny velvet. Nice views, lots of trees,(yes, I hit a few, just to prove thier real!) I ended up finding more balls then I lost, that plus the big assed pizza I bought on the way home, has made for a splended day.

Above is my birddie try on #9, I missed it.(just) To the left is a rock garden thingy, between#1&#10 tee boxes. Below is this (too)brave little bunny, that would not leave!(wouldn't tell me were my ball went either though.) I think I blinded him with the flash, sorry little guy, didn't know it was dark enough for the flash!
















I think other than golf, my only excercise, is when I forget something, and have to run up/down my three flights of stairs, so eventully, I'll be smart, or thin, either ways o.k. with me! Time for bachlor tip #2)You know how it's easy to not want something, as long as you have it? But as soon as you run out of something, its all you want. The thing to do is, after you eat all your McD's, keep the bag in the fridge,(leave in some McChicken sause, or some napkins, because leaving an empty bag in the fridge is just insane!) Now when you open the fridge and see the McD. bag, you'll think,"wow, burger, I'll save that goodness for later, I'll eat the crap now and save that treat for latter, when I'll be really hungery, and enjoy it more!" I've had the same(almost)(I'm not insane)(yet)empty bag in my fridge for like two weeks now,(at least I hope it's (almost) empty, don't really want to look anymore,) and it's working like a charm! I've eaten half a jar of peanutbutter, and three loaves of gas station bread,(gas station bread seems to out "fresh"most other bread, maybe the oil residue, I dont know, still trying to figger out my couch!) and I'm still saving my phantom burger for latter! Have a good day, and may you all have golf this week! DufferKev.

Grey Power!

Good very early morning to you, hope I didn'twake you!

The reason I'm writing this in the middle of the night, is that I'm having sleep issues. These I blame on what I call "super naps" I also belive my couch is secretly some sort of timemachine/portal into a sub universe.(But as my research is ongoing, this will remain a "theroy" only, I promise to update you when I get results!)

Some time ago,(about a year and a half I guess,) I started growing my beard, it had been some time since my last beard scruffier then a long weekend shadow, so no one was more surprised then me when it came out grey!(it didn't go in grey.) The first couple of months were kind of an rebelion stage, like grow a beard, because there's no one here to tell me not to! It was all wild and had no shape, I was thinking of maybe shaving, or dying it. So, I bought the dye,(Just for delusional men!) and after reading the directions, decided to just do it latter. Several weeks pasted, and I started to notice some changes, I shaped my beard,(a little) and decided to leave it grey for now. The first thing I noticed was more people talking to me just out of the blue, and in stores,(like let's help the old man, and get him out side before his stroke kicks in!) Also added sence of respect on the golf course,(Maybe imagened,) like "wow look at the old guy go," or "you still walk the whole course?" or"that guy's got the energy of a 40 year old!" What I'm trying to say is, why make my self look the way I use to feel?(and maybe some times do feel, briefly, on my best day's.) All that would accomplish is to make me look bad for my age,(instead of o.k. for some imagend age,) this way I can compete with the older farts, or at least lose more gracefully to people of my true age.(espeselly because they have dyed somthing in a vein attempt to compete with some 30 year old!) As a side bonus, if I ware my old sweater, no one asks me for "spare change" any more, and on my block, thats a good thing!(What the hell is spare change?)

O.k. on to the bachlor tips for today.

a) If you are going to microwave rice, wait till your microwave is real dirty, the rice always boils over, and your going to have to clean it up anyway's, plus the steam action helps to loosen any baked on "leftovers".

b) Over the years the common beer belly has lost some respect, this is sad! The truth of the B.B. is that it is much more like a camels hump than first thought. In times of plenty, the B.B. stores excess beer residue,(think of it as the life force of the beer, its essence, its goodness!) and saves these for the dreaded times of famine. In these lean times, the B.B. slowly releases the residue back in to the body,(this is why when people are forced to quite drinking, they lose weight.) Recently I went several weeks with out beer, and sufferd no(permenent)ill effects, all thanks to years of adding to my "reserve tank", my life saver, my B.B.

Some times people mistake a wise investment in your future, for just being fat. So to avoid such cofusion, I had a sign made for my B.B. This is also handy when ordering at a large beer garden type place, just flash, once or twice, and your good to go.(and in case I wake up with a Homerhead, I'll know what goes where! ahh, Homer, remember when he was at the pride prade, and he said,"everyones got a six pack, but I've got a keg.") Well I say ware your keg with pride, when your at the beach, and some stick walks by, just laff at them, cause the lean times are a comming, oh loardey yeas, our manly ab humps may be sucked dry by the time this ecconomical desert is crossed! So drink up while you can, and the other reason I keep my belly is, I need it to do this off coloured joke about a female running the hurddles, in the all nude olimpics. (stop by, and maybe I'll show you some time, but just you, o.k.?)

Well thats it for tonight/this morning, maybe I can get some more sleep, if not, theres always the "Super nap" to the rescue! Latter DufferKev.